Episode 12 - Cousins as Friends; Give 80 Percent; Poetry; Buying Plane Tickets
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Topic of Discussion
In this episode, we continued with our mini-series on whether or not family members make good friends -- specifically, cousins.
Catch up on this mini-series by listening to Episode 11!
The general consensus from Lueda and I is that cousins can make good friends. Like siblings, we think it helps to be around the same age -- or in adulthood -- in order to be able to consider them friends. For context, Lueda has 16 total cousins (she’s “pretty sure”) and I have 15 cousins (I’m definitely sure), so the likelihood that we’d become friends with one or more of our cousins is pretty high. Given that each of us spent time with some of our cousins growing up, we developed shared memories which helped forge deeper bonds of friendship once we became adults.
Both of us, as we’ve gotten older, have become more intentional about spending time with friends. Lueda, for example, spent time going up north with her cousins which helped create deeper bonds with her cousins.
In addition, it seems like there are natural phases of closeness with cousins. Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my cousins Olivia and Raquel and felt pretty close to them during that time. We spent many weekends at their house doing things kids did in the 90s (like building Dixie Cup pyramids). I felt very close to my cousin Derek, whom I only saw once a year in Minnesota when I visited my grandma. We would play in the lake all day and were nearly inseparable. But now that I’m further away from my cousins and don’t see them with the same regularity, I don’t feel as close to them (although I still love them deeply!).
Like non-family members, the frequency with which you see your cousins also impacts your relationship with them. You’ve got to see them to be able to be friends with them! If you’re only seeing them at holidays or at special events, then you’re less likely to have a close relationship with them. Something to keep in mind, especially when you get old enough to manage your own time.
If you need help on who are cousins in your family (second, third, fourth, etc.) check out this video from Gilmore Girls! If you want to watch the full episode, it’s Season 5, Episode 13 and streaming on Netflix.
Tell us about your friendship or lack thereof with your cousins! Send us an email at areyoutwostillfriends@gmail.com.
Friendship Tip
In this episode, we discussed the friendship tip of Give 80 Percent.
The concept of giving 80 percent comes from the Annie F. Downs podcast That Sounds Fun -- one of Lueda’s favorites! And this concept can help us get away from the conditioning that we have that you have to give 100 percent to everything we do. Particularly within friendships, there are times where you may give 100 percent and your friend may be giving less. In those cases -- where there aren’t mitigating circumstances on your friend’s end -- you may find yourself being drained by the relationship because someone is not pouring into you with the same amount of intentionality and effort that you’re pouring into them.
As Lueda points out, you cannot pour 100 percent of your time and energy into every relationship you have. It’s simply not possible. (Which harkens to our discussion on best friends -- not everyone should be your best friend, which means not everyone deserves a best friend level of energy and focus). There’s something crucial about ensuring, within your friendships, that you’re taking care of yourself, too.
This idea of giving 80 percent also allows you, as the friend, to mess up. There are going to be times when you need to be “selfish” (which translates to appropriately caring for yourself) and there are times when you cannot give your all to a friendship. That’s okay! It doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend. It does mean you’re not perfect (newsflash: none of us are) and that’s an opportunity to show yourself grace. If you’re averaging giving 80 percent to a meaningful friendship (where the connection and love are reciprocal) then you’re doing a darn good job.
Notice, too, how averaging 80 percent within friendships can look different friendship to friendship. If you have a friend who you see once a quarter, then making sure you see them once a quarter and not missing your time with them can be your 80 percent. If you have a best friend whose birthday you never fail to acknowledge with a present, then making sure to send them a gift every year may be 80 percent. Remember: not all friendships are created equal, which means not all friendships deserve the same time and effort from you!
What questions are we pondering this week?
Lueda: When should you buy a plane ticket?
It’s hard to know! There is much discourse on this topic, but I think it comes down to the preferences of the traveler. Buy the ticket when you feel is best and based on your travel-value system.
What content are we consuming this week?
Alexis: home body by Rupi Kaur
I read this book, which was a gift from my friend Molly, and it totally blew me away. Rupi spoke to me, through her poetry, in a way that made me feel seen and heard. In addition, this book inspired me so much that I had to stop reading at one point to do my own creative writing! This book also helped reinforce the idea that poetry doesn’t have to rhyme to be poetry. I highly recommend checking out home body!
What’s something uplifting you’d like to share with others?
Lueda: Grilling
The weather is getting warmer in Minnesota….a very important seasonal milestone for Lueda. She’s celebrating this warmer weather by getting outside and grilling every type of food she can! Her favorite? Steak, asparagus and potatoes as well as a good ol’ fashioned brat. Shoutout to Beyond Meat for their Beyond Sausage Brat Original….it allows me to enjoy the taste of a brat without the stomach ache!
Interested in trying grilled peaches? Check out this tasty recipe!
What’s something that’s sparked passion in you recently?
Alexis: Poetry
Clearly, this ties in perfectly with the book home body. But through reading this book and the series by V.E. Schwab -- A Darker Shade of Magic -- I’ve realized how much I really like poetry. In the past, I haven’t been a huge fan. But through the fantasy series I mentioned above, I discovered how poetically Schwab writes and that I really enjoyed it! And of course, as I mentioned, Rupi lit up my soul with her beautiful book. So I’m orienting myself toward getting into more poetry and even writing some myself!
Here are the books I mentioned during the show in case you’re interested in getting into more poetry yourself!
Rupi Kaur - the sun and her flowers
Morgan Harper Nichols - All Along You Were Blooming: thoughts for boundless living
@morganharpernichols (IG)
Melissa Aguirre - From Deserts to Gardens
P.S. Here is the poem Lueda and I talked about during the episode...a poem on Chipotle from our days in college.
In friendship,
Alexis & Lueda
